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Laws of Golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day. |
A keen but unskilled golfer
plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the
water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays
that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and
decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his
bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he
commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:"USE THE NEW
BALL..."Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth
following he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He
starts his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the
sky:"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING..."The man steps away from the ball and
rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball,
the voice speaks again: "USE THE OLD BALL." A hack golfer spends
a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a
complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the
fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all
day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "The caddy
looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head
down that long." Ralph goes for a quick round of golf,
and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill
takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the
tee and slices into the trees. "Bollocks!" He reaches into his bag and
takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack!
He then hooks it miles into the bushes. "Bollocks!" He stomps back to
his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. "Err, excuse me,
but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use
an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph. "Cos I've never bloody had one!" Two dim-witted golfers are
teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green.
The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does
the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is
about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup
for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite
2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. They decided to ask the
course pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on
their fine shots, the golf pro asks," which one of you used the orange
one?"
The "good" Golfer | A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He
found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could
hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the
ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As
he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked,
"Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two,
didn't I?" |
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MOSES AND JESUS PLAYING GOLF Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree.
From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad." GOLF IN ITS PROPER PERSPECTIVE
The following is not to offend tennis, basketball, football or soccer fans.
It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even
play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truisms may shed light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being
honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they
play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they
travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of
another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on
which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them
up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National
Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament
including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat
in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best
in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at
one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a
soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or
leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like
the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your
hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore
T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas)
you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling
while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a
baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy. Why do
full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in
1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to
polish off a fifth of Scotch Whiskey. By limiting himself to only one shot
of Scotch per hole, the Scot
figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you know.
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